This thought has to plague my mind at least once a day, especially in the quite moments like these. In order for all you imaginary peeps reading out there, this requires a little, wait for it…BACK STORY! WOO! Let’s get started!
Over the last four years I have had increasing difficulty going to school, going to work…showering…removing my butt from the bed…as you can see the problem has progressed. For some reason I didn’t think anything was wrong. I thought I was just being lazy. Well, that is a little harsh, so maybe I was just a bit harsh. Hmm, this isn’t making any sense…and then I wanted to desperately drop out of school. During the summer I stopped hanging out with friends, I would legitimately look at my phone, see that it was time for me to get up, let out a long sigh, and fall back asleep. It was, ridiculous to say the least. By some miracle (actually the love and kindness of a few amazing teachers and some magical threads of will power) I managed to not only graduate high school, I graduated with my International Baccalaureate Diploma and was accepted to University! I was incredibly excited. Terrified, but excited! I had no idea what I was doing with my life but OBVIOUSLY I BELONGED in University. I’m driven! Intelligent! Successful! Terrified, lonely, and unsure of myself. University started, my sleeping problems went away, I showed up to my classes, I was doing well. I was lonely and becoming more bitter by the day but I was keeping to my academic commitment, and then it happened.
Half way through the semester my mom left for Paris for three weeks so I was left to look after my 10 year old sister. I had quit my job earlier during the summer, so I didn’t have to worry about work. However, my Baba ended up in the hospital because of her cancer and due to her pain medication, when I went to visit her she had no idea who I was. Then Lili, my sister, got sick and I stayed home from school to look after her. And then I stayed home the next day. Did I mention midterms were coming up? Suddenly, I couldn’t get up for school because of intense nausea. If I did make it to my class in the morning, I threw up prior to. I stopped going to classes. I showed up to write my exams, and I stopped caring all together. I slept. That’s all I did. Less eating, less school. Just sleeping. And then I dropped a class. And then the semester ended. I did not enroll in the next semester. This brings us to where I am now. Writing blogs to help calm my generalized and social anxiety disorders.
So my thought:
Recently I have applied at another University for a science program, a school closer to my house and smaller than the previous university. I have never been so terrified in my entire life. I’m having extreme difficulty finding a job, hence I have no money. That adds to it. So the result is an intense fear of giving up on university again. A Bachelor of Science is a far more intense program than the Bachelor of Arts I gave up on. I will have no friends going into this school. There’s just so many things that could go wrong, starting with what if I don’t even get accepted??? So I watch stupid TV shows and browse the internet to numb my mind. Don’t think about it, don’t panic. It’s a long string of ‘what ifs’ that plague me and if I avoid it, I’ll stay just a little bit calmer.
But ah yes, the internet. It numbs my mind. Sort of. See, Facebook, that wonderful that lets you connect with your friends has all of the people I know making statuses about surviving their first year at university, or finishing up their degree, or their exams being done until fall. Well I DIDN’T finish my first year of university, I ran away. And I’m terrified that I will run away again, because this lovely anxiety is not something I asked for, something I wanted, or something that I did on purpose as an excuse to be lazy. Instead of finishing up my exams I’m teetering on the edge of a mental break down. I just have to keep reminding myself that I’m not a university drop out…I think…
Worst case scenario I could always become stripper, right? 😀 Nah…my boyfriend would kill me. I don’t even have THAT option *mock sad face*. Yeesh, what am I going to do..
Thanks for sticking through that!