Not a University Drop Out

This thought has to plague my mind at least once a day, especially in the quite moments like these. In order for all you imaginary peeps reading out there, this requires a little, wait for it…BACK STORY! WOO! Let’s get started!

Over the last four years I have had increasing difficulty going to school, going to work…showering…removing my butt from the bed…as you can see the problem has progressed. For some reason I didn’t think anything was wrong. I thought I was just being lazy. Well, that is a little harsh, so maybe I was just a bit harsh. Hmm, this isn’t making any sense…and then I wanted to desperately drop out of school. During the summer I stopped hanging out with friends, I would legitimately look at my phone, see that it was time for me to get up, let out a long sigh, and fall back asleep. It was, ridiculous to say the least. By some miracle (actually the love and kindness of a few amazing teachers and some magical threads of will power) I managed to not only graduate high school, I graduated with my International Baccalaureate Diploma and was accepted to University! I was incredibly excited. Terrified, but excited! I had no idea what I was doing with my life but OBVIOUSLY I BELONGED in University. I’m driven! Intelligent! Successful! Terrified, lonely, and unsure of myself. University started, my sleeping problems went away, I showed up to my classes, I was doing well. I was lonely and becoming more bitter by the day but I was keeping to my academic commitment, and then it happened.

Half way through the semester my mom left for Paris for three weeks so I was left to look after my 10 year old sister. I had quit my job earlier during the summer, so I didn’t have to worry about work. However, my Baba ended up in the hospital because of her cancer and due to her pain medication, when I went to visit her she had no idea who I was. Then Lili, my sister, got sick and I stayed home from school to look after her. And then I stayed home the next day. Did I mention midterms were coming up? Suddenly, I couldn’t get up for school because of intense nausea. If I did make it to my class in the morning, I threw up prior to. I stopped going to classes. I showed up to write my exams, and I stopped caring all together. I slept. That’s all I did. Less eating, less school. Just sleeping. And then I dropped a class. And then the semester ended. I did not enroll in the next semester. This brings us to where I am now. Writing blogs to help calm my generalized and social anxiety disorders.

So my thought:

Recently I have applied at another University for a science program, a school closer to my house and smaller than the previous university. I have never been so terrified in my entire life. I’m having extreme difficulty finding a job, hence I have no money. That adds to it. So the result is an intense fear of giving up on university again. A Bachelor of Science is a far more intense program than the Bachelor of Arts I gave up on. I will have no friends going into this school. There’s just so many things that could go wrong, starting with what if I don’t even get accepted??? So I watch stupid TV shows and browse the internet to numb my mind. Don’t think about it, don’t panic. It’s a long string of ‘what ifs’ that plague me and if I avoid it, I’ll stay just a little bit calmer.

But ah yes, the internet. It numbs my mind. Sort of. See, Facebook, that wonderful that lets you connect with your friends has all of the people I know making statuses about surviving their first year at university, or finishing up their degree, or their exams being done until fall. Well I DIDN’T finish my first year of university, I ran away. And I’m terrified that I will run away again, because this lovely anxiety is not something I asked for, something I wanted, or something that I did on purpose as an excuse to be lazy. Instead of finishing up my exams I’m teetering on the edge of a mental break down. I just have to keep reminding myself that I’m not a university drop out…I think…

Worst case scenario I could always become stripper, right? :D Nah…my boyfriend would kill me. I don’t even have THAT option *mock sad face*. Yeesh, what am I going to do..

Thanks for sticking through that!
Tatiana!

2 thoughts on “Not a University Drop Out

  1. gracethebrit says:

    Hi Tatiana!
    You are not alone! In fact, I think you are super brave for applying for university again. I have generalized and social anxiety and it’s prevented me from getting on with life, so I can totally relate to seeing people’s Facebook statuses about university and jobs etc. But it’s really important to not compare yourself to anyone else, your life is your own personal journey and with every up and down you face, you grow and learn more about yourself. (Which can be much for valuable than any university degree.)
    “Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle” – Christian D. Larson.
    Good luck, and I hope everything works out for you :)
    - Grace

    • Hi Grace!
      Thank you for reading my blog! And thank you so much for you kind words it means a lot. It’s nice to know there are people who relate. Being so wrapped up in my head all the time sometimes disconnects me from the outside world. I hope you find ways to soothe your anxiety and fulfil all your dreams!
      -Tatiana

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